Home › Final Draft

Final Draft

by Trevor Conway

DescriptionRevising work

Posted: 04.05.11  |  Last edited: 08.07.11

Category:   |   Reads: 127 reads   |  Comments: 9

Tags:

...                                  

http://trevorconway.weebly.com/

Comments

Cheeno

Wednesday, 4th May 2011 | 03:09 pm

Member | Points: 5130

Very nice. A writer's poem for sure, with strong metaphor and eloquent phrasing. Unfortunately, the fourth stanza falls short for me with its changed rhythm in the carry-overs, and the forced rhyme of 'draws'. Just my opinion, of course. Maybe it's how you want it and I'm missing the significance of the change. Thanks for sharing.wink

Trevor Conway

Wednesday, 4th May 2011 | 03:35 pm

Member | Points: 769

Thanks for commenting, Cheeno. I appreciate your opinions.

I do like to change rhythm sometimes, as here, where I think seven verses of that exact rhythm might sound monotonous. But I can't say changing it for the fourth verse is essential. I'll look at it again and see how different alternatives sound.

Is it the whole phrase "the closer he draws" you find forced or just the use of "draws" for "closer"? Or is it that "draws" isn't an exact rhyme for "flaw"?

Thanks again,

T

http://trevorconway.weebly.com/

Cheeno

Wednesday, 4th May 2011 | 04:12 pm

Member | Points: 5130

 

Yes, 'draws' stands out as a bit of an 'extra' in the wrong scene. Here's a suggestion for your consideration...

He finds fault in familiarity,

A kind of distance, where all his flaws

Grow like a tumour, and clarity comes

Through the haze, the closer he draws.

Trevor Conway

Wednesday, 4th May 2011 | 05:26 pm

Member | Points: 769

Ah, so it's the "half-rhyme" that puts you off. I have to say, I don't mind using words that don't rhyme exactly, as long as the musicality is kept, but in this instance I think your suggestion is better than what I have. I'll change "his" to "its". Thanks for that.

T

http://trevorconway.weebly.com/

Cheeno

Wednesday, 4th May 2011 | 06:57 pm

Member | Points: 5130

If you don't mind, it's your call. Happy writing.

portdweller

Thursday, 5th May 2011 | 12:38 am

Member | Points: 6488

A good one, Trevor...

From the sturdy substance of stone to the fragile thing of words on paper, the thoughts are well written and well expressed...a great analogy!

'The sculptor’s mind is a restless thing,

Each day’s work a cud to chew.

Even in sleep his knuckles twitch,

Ready to do or undo.

 

And in my room a drawer leaks,

Where all my poems are wet.    

One day, they’ll be dry and hard – 

The final draft is death.'

Hmm, know what you mean...and not just in poetry..'Perfection' can kill creativity !

XX

              

Trevor Conway

Thursday, 5th May 2011 | 10:07 am

Member | Points: 769

Ah, that's an interesting interpretation, Barbara, for the last line. I didn't mean to suggest trying to pefect poems etc can kill creativity. I was aiming to suggest a final draft for the speaker of the poem only comes with his death, ie. he/she'll be revising his/her work up till the day of his/her death. I think both interpretations fit into the poem, though.

Thanks for commenting. Always delighted to see a different interpretation emerge in te reader's mind.

T

http://trevorconway.weebly.com/

Aine

Thursday, 5th May 2011 | 02:44 pm

Member | Points: 7661

Hi Trevor,

I thought that this was an interesting discourse on the creative process and one that I can find resonance with - the idea of constant revision.

I like the way that you don't conform to rigid rhyming schemes in your poetry and enjoy finding the subtle half-rhymes that you use.

Another fine poem.

Aine
x

Trevor Conway

Thursday, 5th May 2011 | 03:35 pm

Member | Points: 769

Thanks for your input, Aine. Great to get it.

T

http://trevorconway.weebly.com/

Add comment

Login or register to post comments

Share/Print This

Printer-friendly version
PDF version
More options...

More by this User

See all Writings by user

Join today

As a member, you can list your writing, take part in our forums, enter our free competitions and win prizes. Membership is free so why not try it out today?

Become a Member

newsletter subscribe

Writings Digest

Who's online

There are currently 4 users and 8 guests online.

Online users

  • Recalibratedpoet
  • susanna Dunne
  • reach_dev
  • sweetmystery

Who's new

  • Ella
  • elojito
  • cathocon
  • pottagee
  • Tom McElligott
  • christinaly
  • JohnnyFoley
  • Xiao5669