Everybody was a Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody was a Kung Fu Fighting

I loved growing up in 70s/80s Cabra.Cabra Boot Boys Rule OK ….and we did.Always meeting up on a Saturday night in Abrakababra.In fact it was always a mystery to me why it wasn’t called Cabracababra ….Fuck I was wasted ! I should have been a Jingle writer…Cabra Cabra Cadabra I wanna reach out and …’’Who kicked the Yank in the Knackers ! ?’’.

A big pasty faced plaid trouser oul lad was squirming on the floor holding his mickey…well clutching in that vicinity n anyways nearby a cool Black Baseball cap with USS Nimitz lay bereft of ownership.

‘It was fucking you wasn’t it Heno ?? .Heno looked shady … It was fucking you wasn’t it Heno ?‘.

Sheepishly Heno admitted ..’yeah’.’See Heno I don’t understand …like how ..ye could do that do a poor oul Geezer like …Here ! Doyler give us dar cap !.Doyler was one I’d have to watch the Johnny jump up was recently trying to upstage me ..imagine dat da cunt..me who’d built the gang from..I was now down on me hunkers ‘here Amigo..HALLO CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME…EARTH TO JOHN POXY WAYNE ..IS DIS UR CAP ??.. HALLO CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ?? IS DIS UR GEAR CAP WIT DA LUVLY GOLD WROITIN’ ON IT?... HALLO  HALLO CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?.

‘Shit Heno … yer on yer own mate dis time …dis isn’t looking…’OOO AH UH ooo’…went the Yank .’Jaysus on Toast …he’s comin’ round !’.Heno shuffled guiltily looking relieved.’Hang on lads we’re not ourra da woods yet …is dat a bir of his Brain cumin’ ourra his gob like ?...Jaysus Heno yer on yer own ..’For God sake you oik !...give the man space ‘!.’Fuck ! who are you? ya Kunting Basta calling me’….

By now this big six foot fuck with the plumbs in his cakehole had roughly shoved me aside..still though, I was impressed…he knew what he was doing .’Heh is dar a bit o his brain cumin our?’.

‘No das a bit o da Kabab he was ating when I head-burreted him …look closely ye can see da gravy n all where he was chewin’ like when I gave him da good news ..like.. look closely ye can se da gravy n all’

‘Fair play Heno I says yer on da ball dare careful when yer zamining him Mister he doesn’t gag on his bollicky Bisto’…’Jaysus he wouldn’t be da forst ta gag in dis place’ said Milo, we all burst our shites laughin’.’You ought to be bloody ashamed of yourselves! ’it was a nice bit o gee who seemed to be with the Rugby Head who now was thumping on the Yank’s back.’Here you! Tits and Braces keep your wig on ! ..right now deres dat chair between you and me..let’s keep it dat way..’ I says.’How dare you speak to me like that you oik !’.’Das second time oi’ve been called dat tonight ..watch it bitch’.’Di Di Guards are on da way I phoned Di Guards are coming I tell you guys STOP in de Name of ALLAH STOP every Saturday same ting u are PEEGS !’.’Ismael mate look chill man …dare is no need …AAAAAAAHHH FUFUFUUUUUCK ! ‘ The posh young one had thrown coffee in me fucking oyiz ! I lunged to lam her but her rugger hugger was on his feet quicker than Nureyev …liftin’ me offa me da ground by me leather jacka.’I’ll give ya a count o tree to put me dowen I says…but yer man wasn’t froightend …bollix.. plan B ..’Pur me dowen dar man on de ground needs yer help more dan he needs to see us foighten..yeah ?’.’I am a final year Medical student DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! ...GET IT ?...I SHALL HAPPILY TAKE THE LOT OF YOU ON WITH ONE HAND TUCKED UP MY ARSEHOLE …

‘Yir very lawdy fuckin daw aren’t ye Mister’ …it was Doyler the little ferret .. imagine dat cunt trying to upstage me.. an me da one who built up the ….Nee Naw Nee Naw Blue Lights on Abracababra street ..de Law Boyez is back in towen.A big mutton headed cop with a face like a plate full of mortal sins saunters in…there was blood on his uniform looked like he’d had a rough night already…behind him was a Johnsons baby fresh out of Templemore looking scared excited and cheesy around the gills.’For Fack sake you ignoramus ! will you stand back and ‘…Oh Oh.. Law Boyez don’t like being called ..Wallop ! the cop has MountBattoned Student Grant across his impudent face and wah heh ! puts his big Chicken McFuck boot into yer man’s bollix for good measure.The young Garda runs outside to the car radio but Shatteroon! Milo has fucked a stool right through…THE SQUARE WINDOW …it hits an oul fella’s Dog who goes mental snaps the lead and charges in feral hunting for Milo’s now frightened escaping figure.Fucked if I’m being left out, breaking a cardinal rule I go to slap da poshy bitch ..put she’s shooting from the hip again with the roasting coffee… AAAAAAAHHH FUFUFUUUUUCK ! me OYIZ !.The young cop is back in again and goes for the easy target, Ismael who is fat and fortyish …bad move.. Ismael has a cleaver he’d planned using on us ..he chops the fucking nose off the cop …blood everywhere ! …remorseful Ismael screams like a frightened woman…and runs for the Kitchen shouting…’Allah Akbar ! …I get Ice ! I get Ice !...too late Bonzo has carpe diemed the orphaned nose and is out the door like Apollo 8.

PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME NOW !!!! PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME NOW !!! BA BOOM PA !...who the fuck put Duran Duran on da Jukebox ?...But ye know what.. dares unfinished business …I grab the back of Doyler’s neck and ram him face first into the bar yoke with the Kebab turdinin’ round..it sears the fucker for Life ..and redeems me in peckin’ order ..the Big Cop is still booting Lord Snooty .We scarper …Milo and Doyler grab a bus …Heno and I leg it round the corner…we are a good 100 yards up the road…  in the sweet Cabra night summer air our youth hangs effortlessly on us.Behind us we can just make out the shambling Yank ‘God Damn Arish SonafaBitch wen I git you Aye’ll cut u a Nu Asshole ….I’ll Fackin Kill ya Aye’ll Pump up Da Paddy !!’

Heno and I break our bollix laughin’ and loll behind a wall and light up…

Jaysus Heno …Why did ye hit dat poor oul  shakings of the bag ?...Heno’s usual gormless expression glows back.’He kept annoying me  …ye know saying ta have respect and not be loud n all …anyways den he says he was a Vietnam Vet…. N I says dat must be fucking boring ya Know lookin’ after sick Donkeys Chickens n all …He goes ballistic!.. an das when I lost it and went Clap Hands here Comes Cadburys’……

Mark Manning

2012