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My Father Died Today

Aine | Added 29 June 2010, 4:46 PM | 548 views | 61 comments

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I am in a bubble, a small bubble of grief. Outside of this I can see a fog, a miasma, where the world continues to function as normal but within this hard shell I have entered another world; a world that is cut off, distant, and spins in a different sphere. A universe within a universe, where all the natural laws of physics do not apply, space and time have escaped Newtonian barriers.

Time feels different. It is elastic and stretches before me into infinity, infinity without you. Suddenly, without warning it snaps back and the seconds pass so slowly. Is it really only a couple of minutes since I stroked your arm as they turned off the machines that continued your semblance of life?

Outside my bubble are the lands from ancient maps: 'Here be Dragons'. A place that I know I must travel back to but one that exists only in the small glimpses that I see through the fog and mists of time. For the present I am within this little shell, where the walls of my life are the inside of this room. At once it feels too big for me and yet too small to contain the huge events of this moment. The colours are bright, too bright, and I focus too sharply on the tiny details of the hospital green of the paintwork and the small, dark stain under the window. The sounds I hear are brittle and could easily break into a thousand smaller tones and disappear into the ether. The doctor's words I hear clearly, as though clarity can be amplified: 'there is nothing more that we can do, we must now start to withdraw treatment.'

Before me lies your body. The wires and tubes and drips are still attached. The screen which once showed your vital signs is now silent and still. 'In Privacy Mode' blinks back in the quietness, from the darkened screen. In the background someone reads from the book of prayers that you held in your hand for the last few days; intones them softly and quietly like a rosary and I concentrate hard on the salty pricking of my eyes. It becomes the most important thing in the world to maintain my dignity before you. I need to be able to speak with the hospital staff for you and make you proud, this one, last time.

I watch your face as the blood starts to drain and you lose your colour. Within moments you start to develop the yellow, waxy look of death. I stroke your face and feel, still, the perspiration on your forehead and brush your hair tenderly from your temple. The moment you left us was marked. One moment my fingers brushed against your arm and felt life and then, in an instant, you were inert. The machines still pumped for you, but your spirit had gone. Your body relaxed from its pain and softened momentarily before you left. You are still warm and I take your hand and touch it against my lips, kissing it gently and whisper 'Goodbye.'

What precious time lies within. Life is suspended. A gift from the same gods that cut the cord and let me float within this space and let me feel, for one exquisite moment, beyond all temporal expectation. I just am and I exist wholly in this one time, my last moments with you, before I must burst this protective bubble and rejoin the world without you, my beloved father.

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My Father Died Today – magnolia – 29 June 2010, 8:39 PM

Aine:

I join you in your bubble of grief, in this moment as time stands still. My fingers touch yours in remembrance.

Your brave heart stands tall and my admiration for your writing this – is boundless.

Kate

Spuds – 29 June 2010, 9:00 PM

Dear Aine,

Such moving, tender and loving words of your father passing.

Though unreal and in a bubble death is monumental. Everything is heightened as though in an altered state of consciousness, we become the chamber of death, the walls, the details that we hang on to as they accompany and sustain our journey.

Grief goes on, and I remember for me, how after my sister's funeral when I returned to work and started to speak, I could not, and emotion flowed out into tears.

I wish you courage in your mourning and stars to light your way

graham

My father died today – MJEnright – 29 June 2010, 9:15 PM

Tears veiled my eyes as I read your moving piece to your father .May the good Lord give you strength in this difficult time .

Magser – 29 June 2010, 9:31 PM

Aine. May you get the strength to realise that your dad is still there in spirit and you know you can talk with him and he can be a great healer and guide to you in your life. Its only his body that has left this world.
In one way it is great that you have such emotion for him as it shows how much you both meant to each other. You will never lose that. Margaret

I shed a tear for you and me – Tom Koch – 29 June 2010, 10:23 PM

Aine
I really appreciate your strength to write about such a sad subject it did bring back such love and affection and the loss I felt myself. God bless you. Tom

Cheeno – 29 June 2010, 11:27 PM

Wow! What can I say, Áine, but - my heart goes out to you at this time. Our collective experience of bereavement means I was with you at every step, with the depth of your words bringing me back to the intimacy of my own time spent sitting with my mother. It is a time I will never forget, nor want to. I believe it will be the same with you, but your time is now, in the moment, so take that time and relish the memory of your father's life and love. Best wishes to you and yours.

Aine – 30 June 2010, 7:03 AM

Thank you for all your kind comments and sympathy. Bereavement comes to us all at some time and I wanted to share, through writing, some of the essense of this special time before it was lost.
In time I will revisit and rework the piece above; I can already see parts that glare at me for change. But for now I am happy to leave it as a testament to the love a child has for their parent.
Thank you so much for reading this, I wasn't sure that anyone would want to.
Aine
x

David Kennedy – 30 June 2010, 3:23 PM

An extremely well written, empathy producing piece of work.

Sorry for your trouble.

David

Aine – 30 June 2010, 3:51 PM

David,
Thank you for your kind response. I am pleased that you found it empathetic.
Aine
x

Ivana2breakless – 30 June 2010, 6:29 PM

Hi Aine,
That through you writing of this I hope it has given you an element of comfort through this very difficult time.I can only wish you my sincere sorrow at the passing away of your father and may his spirit and memories wrap around you in the coming days, giving you a warmth and comfort.
Love Ivana xx

Aine – 30 June 2010, 6:41 PM

Thanks Ivana,
I have been touched by the thoughts and expressions of sympathy of people on the site.
Yes, I did find this a comfort to write. The really weired thing was being outside my body during Dad's death viewing how to write about the experience.
The trouble with being 'a writer' is that you can't help but write. What does that say about us?

(Actually, me - I don't want to tar you all with the same brush!!)
Aine
x

stargazer – 30 June 2010, 7:42 PM

There's not alot that one can say at this time Aine, except my heart felt thoughts are with you. You have my deepest respect in the way that you have drew on your inner courage and opened your heart to the world. May your steps get lighter in your days of darkness. Regds Brian

Aine – 30 June 2010, 7:49 PM

Thank you Brian,
courage I have but wisdom escapes me, I am beginning to have a crisis of confidence about posting this. I hope that it doesn't seem maudlin.
I appreciate everyone's concern but I posted more in the interests of sharing an experience through writing than seeking sympathy (although I do find comfort in people's kind thoughts).
Aine
x

Threeleafshamrock – 30 June 2010, 9:37 PM

Some of us, will know exactly how you are feeling now but I don't think anyone could explain it to the rest of the world as succinctly or as perfectly as is portrayed in this heart breaking piece.

Sorry for your loss

Chris

trish nugent – 30 June 2010, 10:33 PM

may your dad rest in peace Aine… A lovely moving poem… xxxxx

Helen46 – 01 July 2010, 12:30 AM

Aine,

A moving piece of writing and heartening to know you found comfort in writing it.

regards,

Helen

summer--man – 01 July 2010, 3:58 AM

Aine,
I am with you in your grief, and I feel your pain and anguish, July 8th will mark the 3rd Year aniversary of my own fathers passing, which I found very difficult, I too shared this experience on this site as a short story ( Final Moments) please feel free to read it and maybe it will help you on your journey with your father in your heart and in your memories.
I firmly believe he will always be with you, every Day, as long as you need him.
take care
All the best
Rob

Aine – 01 July 2010, 6:16 AM

Thank you to Chris, Trish, Helen and Rob for reading this and also for leaving your words of comfort.

Rob, I read your short story (Final Words) with great interest and even greater admiration of how you managed to convey those final days with your Dad. I could really empathise with the wish to shave your Dad, it was just the same with mine - he would have hated to look unkempt and it felt vitally important to us to keep him looking tidy.

Again I appreciate all your comments and support.

Aine
x

Maria M – 01 July 2010, 8:44 AM

What a beautiful touching description of something so private. I cried for you and offer you my sympathy.
The bond between you was strong, it showed in the respectful way you spoke of him and his last moments. You did him proud.

Maria

Aine – 01 July 2010, 12:17 PM

Maria, thank you for reading this and for the offer of sympathy.
I am pleased that you found it respectful as I wondered whether people would find it intrusive.
Dad was a writer himself and so would understand my need to put pen to paper.
Aine
x

Kerkedijk – 01 July 2010, 7:19 PM

Aine, this is truly a beautiful, touching and so loving piece of writing on such a difficult topic for all of us, especially us females and our dads. My dad is ill at the moment and I am semi-preparing myself for the time and I wonder how I will cope and yes, will I make him proud, one last time? I hope so because my dad is wonderful, always will be. I am sure writing about your experience helped you a little - it is beautiful, thank you.

Seaview – 02 July 2010, 8:24 AM

Incredible how you combine such massive emotion with such fluid writing here Aine. (I'm trying not to allow my emotions in at this point, as you know my Dad has terminal cancer so this is very raw stuff) The womb-like protective bubble you are in is very striking and I particularly like the time stretching and snapping image. That is great. I even managed a smile at 'Here be dragons', isn't that good ol' Tolkien if I'm not mistaken?! Brilliant work.

Aine – 02 July 2010, 9:23 AM

Thank you K,
It is always an usetting experience to lose a loved one, but as you suggest writing about it can help to express those emotions.
Thank you for reading this and leaving a comment.
Aine
x

Aine – 02 July 2010, 9:25 AM

Hi Seaview,
It was very brave of you to read this - I didn't expect that you would, so thank you.
It is a very surreal time and surprisingly not as awful as anticipated.
I am sure that you will make the most of the time that you have left with your Dad.

Aine
xx

my father died today – miselemeas – 08 July 2010, 3:52 PM

A really sad and poignant piece.All I can do is offer my condolences to those already given.
michael k.

my father died today – muscles – 09 July 2010, 8:40 PM

Aine, Wow, such a beautifully written piece about your grief and your understanding of it. My heart goes out to you, my mother died two years ago from cancer of the throat and though i miss her terribly i know she is with me still. I can feel her presence at times in my house and it is the most natural thing ever, I have conversations with her and I know her spirit is still with me. May God bless and protect you at this time.

Margaret

Aine – 10 July 2010, 10:21 AM

Michael, thank you for reading this and leaving your message. It is appreciated.
Aine
x

Aine – 10 July 2010, 10:26 AM

Hi Margaret,
I am sorry to hear that you have lost a parent too. Sure, it is something which we all must face as we get older but it doesn't make it any the easier.
I have found it a great help to be able to put 'pen to paper' (or more correctly, tap the keys) as it helps to focus the mind on those things which really matter - the life and energy that we shared.
I hope that in some way, by writing of my experiences it will help those who are also grieving.
Thanks again, Margaret, for your thoughts.
Aine
x

Susan Lanigan – 10 July 2010, 1:23 PM

Lovely piece. My sympathies on your loss.

Aine – 18 July 2010, 10:23 AM

Susan,
Thank you for reading this and leaving your kind message.
Aine
x

James F Linnane – 19 July 2010, 8:45 PM

Aine,I suppose this one affected me most.I do not know how recent was your loss.Certainly time does lessen grief.Your descriptiveness is powerful and recalled both my own parent's passing especially my father.

James F Linnane – 19 July 2010, 8:52 PM

Aine – 20 July 2010, 6:14 PM

Thank you for reading this and leaving your comment. I lost my father at the end of June and posted this shortly afterwards. I was hoping that it would echo a universal experience of loss, which (thankfully) you suggest.
As I have mentioned above my Father lived his life to the full and though his death was unexpected I know that it was a 'good death' with his family around him. He was a writer and would understand my need to put things into the written word.
Thanks again James.
Aine
x

Aine – Aidan Darcy – 21 July 2010, 3:27 PM

I must say that this was a truely moving piece for me, especially poignant in the recent wake of my own fathers passing.

It is truely a heartfelt, emotional, intensely personaly piece, exceptionally well wrote despite or perhaps because of the subject involved, describing such vivid scenes and feelings.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Aine – 21 July 2010, 3:55 PM

Aidan, I am sorry to hear of your father's passing and it touches me that you were able to read my piece whilst suffering your loss. Take care.
Thank you.
Aine
x

StevieG – 21 July 2010, 9:25 PM

Beautifully and honestly written. The emotion is so raw. I'm sorry for your loss Aine.

Aine – 22 July 2010, 8:49 AM

Hi StevieG, thank you for reading this and leaving your comment and kind thoughts. As others have said above, time heals.
Aine
x

Seaview – 25 July 2010, 9:27 AM

Congrats Aine - I've only just seen that this was non-fiction winner of the month - well done and well deserved. :thumbs:

Aine – 25 July 2010, 10:12 AM

Thanks Seaview, I was very surprised, but of course very pleased, too.

Aine
x

My Father Died Today – Rachael Stanley – 26 July 2010, 10:09 PM

Congratulations Aine on winning non fiction of the month. A very deserving winner. I particularly identify with the truth of the first paragraph when you remark on the world continuing to function as normal, "but within this hard shell, I have entered another world; a world that is cut off, distant and spins in a different sphere." It reminds me of a line from my poem The Brokenhearted, "The sorrowful are locked in isolation". There is a terrible lonliness in grief, no matter how many others are experiencing it or have or will experience it. It is completely unique to the person experiencing it, and your piece conveys this so well. My sincere sympathy for your great loss. Rachael x

Aine – 27 July 2010, 6:14 PM

Rachel, thank you for reading this piece and for leaving such a lovely comment.

I thought that your line from The Brokenhearted was so succinct and shows me what a long way I have to go in my writing.
I wrote the piece in one sitting as soon as I was by myself after Dad's death and can now see many of the flaws. In time I will be able to go over it with the editing knife (Spanish Inquisition) but for now it is as raw as the grief which inspired it.
Your comments were kind and I thank you.
Aine
x

Threeleafshamrock – 27 July 2010, 10:43 PM

Hi Aine, congrats on winning the non-fiction monthly prize; richly deserved, well done.

Chris

Aine – 28 July 2010, 7:38 AM

Hi Chris,
thank you. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. Nonetheless, I was thrilled.
Aine
x

My father died today. – Amy Barry – 28 July 2010, 5:20 PM

Hi Aine,
Wow, what a moving piece of writing, thank you for sharing. Im sorry for your loss.

And, congrats for this writing. Well done.
Amy

Aine – 28 July 2010, 5:34 PM

Thank you Amy, sharing is so much easier when amongst friends.

Aine
x

Twana Biram – 30 July 2010, 3:51 AM

Writing heals–and that yours could be so clear, honest, and beautiful at this time and in this place, merely proves the idea.

Your walk through the stages of grief began as you sat to write.

My thoughts are with you and I'm sorry you must go through this hard, hard place.

Congrats on the acknowlegement by W4A–I await the day when you write of joy and that receives a tip of the hat, too.

Twana

Aine – 30 July 2010, 7:37 AM

Thank you, Twana, for reading this as it disappears into the realms of the 'back catalogue'.

Thanks too for the comment 'I await the day when you write of joy', that honestly put a novel concept into my head!! :lol:

I tend to dwell in the world of the melancholy.

Time for a change!

Aine
x

Twana Biram – 30 July 2010, 7:50 AM

Stretching as a writer is scary and fun at the same time-like those horrible roller-coasters!

I'm glad an idea emerged- ( :constipated:

I always think this little person looks as if she's in labor!)

I had just sent an email to my husband with my editing done on the "notice of death" for his father's college alumni review. It was so hard. It hurt my husband to write it and I loved my father-in-law, too. Reading about his life and successes and family in such straight, factual tones made me cry. Your piece really hit the pain the family when through.

I love this site for its sense of family and the close knit feeling I have for people I've yet to meet in person. You are one of the folk I hope to meet someday!

Keep on keeping on, as my grandmother always said.

Much love.

Twana
PS–keep an eye out–I'm about to post something that is very uniquely done

Aine – 30 July 2010, 3:44 PM

It made me sad to think of you having to sum up your father-in-laws's life in a few words. I know that it is something I will have to face soon and I am putting it off.

I, too, love the close knit feeling created by the people using this site and am looking forward to meeting folk in the future. Wouldn't you have a long way to come to the 'meets'?

I am on 'tenterhooks' now waiting for the surprise.

I do love your writing - you say that this is going to be unique; I find all your work unique, with your voice shining through good and strong.

Aine
x

My Father Died Today – Paddy of Nazereth – 05 August 2010, 8:58 AM

Aine, this was an excellent piece of writing, so poignant and brave. I am sorry for your loss. I have yet to experience the loss of a parent, the thought of which terrifies me. I could only hope that like you I could summon the strength needed to help me cope and 'make him proud one last time'. Congratulations on the W4ALL win, it was richly deserved.

Regards

Paddy

My Father Died Today – Aine – 05 August 2010, 2:58 PM

Hi Paddy,
I thank you for your comments of the writing and for your condolences.

I have reached the age where it is inevitable that I will face the death of my parents and so, in a way, was prepared for it. I hope that you manage to get a long way in life before you get there!

Writing about any incident in life is cathartic and I think that this piece has found resonance with people because I tried to be as honest and as open as possible about my experience at the time. Thank you for appreciating it.

Aine
x

Paddy of Nazereth – 05 August 2010, 8:46 PM

Aine, your honesty and openess resonates with people because in a lot of situations people just can't deal with their problems, whatever they are. They are either too brittle to discuss it and remain silent or else they become self-delusional and pretend that there is nothing wrong. That trauma has to manifest itself in someway, if it's not dealt with it can become destructive.

As you said Aine, you chose to write as a form of catharsis and that worked for you. A lot of people
carry a lot of pain with them, they need to open up
and be honest with themselves. You lead by example.

Regards
Paddy

My Father Died Today – Aine – 06 August 2010, 8:10 AM

Hi Paddy, thanks again for your comments. As you say trauma has to be dealt with in some way, if it is not to become self destuctive.

As you may remember from when you read 'Shock Therapy', I haven't always been emotionally and mentally strong. However, part of the process of growing older is learning what works for yourself as an individual. What works for me is to write (even if no-one ever reads it) but everyone has their own way.

Thank you.

Aine
x

Cheeno – 06 August 2010, 8:31 AM

Madam, it goes without saying you will always have your readers. :thumbs:

Aine – 06 August 2010, 9:07 AM

Oh Cheeno, I liked the title 'Madam'… :lol:

Aine
x

An Roisin Dubh – 11 August 2010, 11:57 AM

Aine, I am only new and barely a wet day on this site but your words touch me and you have touched me with your honesty. I was afraid to open this work as I know the pain of loss and know that words of comfort are all we can offer and yet they are never enough. I just want you to know I reach out and touch your fingertips with mine and tell you "I am so sorry "..
Treasa x

My Father Died Today – Aine – 11 August 2010, 12:30 PM

Hi Treasa,

I am pleased that you read this. I thought that lots of people may have shied away from such a theme. I didn't want it to maudlin though, but honest - it delights me that this is the word you use to describe it.

I am heartened by the lovely, tender way in which you offer your support and I willingly return the touch of your fingers with a grateful 'thank you'.

Aine
x

MY FATHER DIED TODAY – portdweller – 15 August 2010, 10:00 PM

Your writing is so strong, so full of emotion - honest and true. I lost my parents some time ago, but the images and feelings are still clear, vivid, strong.
Reading comments on this poem, I note you have not always been as strong as you say you are now. Writing certainly does help to deal with trauma. And the death of a loved one is that. It is such a shock when you experience it for the first time..You literally go numb. You have captured that well - the fog, the bubble of grief, the distancing from the outer reality of the rest of the world…and the hard fact of the body changing colour, so strange..Such things we did not know till we witnessed death…

Your voice is a brave one. Inspirational…

My Father Died Today – Aine – 16 August 2010, 9:51 AM

Portdweller,

Thank you so much for your kind words about this. It pleases me that you found it to be an honest piece as that it what I was aiming for. There is so much that goes unsaid about bereavement that I wanted to try to capture the essense of what it was like, for me. I know that it is different for everyone - but the numbness that you describe is, I think, universal.

Thank you.
Aine
x

My Father Died Today – SHERIFF – Mon 2:36 PM

Aine, I enjoyed reading your story it reminded me of my father and mother who both passed away.
It's good that you wrote about your loss.

All the best,
Sheriff

Aine – Mon 3:05 PM

Hi SHERIFF,

Thank you for reading this, I am pleased that it echoed your memories.

Aine
x

Edited 09 September 2010

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